Let’s get ready for a blame game. If he loses to one of the most racist, megalomaniacal presidents in history it won’t be the Left’s fault.
By Lee Camp
Special to Consortium News
So, Joseph Biden, AKA “Kid Senile,” leads in the polls against Donald Trump, AKA “Kid Fascist Lunatic,” by such a large margin that it resembles a horse race in which one of the horses is an aged wiener dog with three legs.
Right now, even though the polling does not account for the millions of voters who have been unceremoniously booted from the voter rolls, many people believe Biden is going to become the next drunken pilot of the American Empire — a position which has less power than most people imagine as the Military Industrial Complex and Wall Street roll on undeterred due to their unimaginable inertial force like boulders in an avalanche.
But there are countless reasons Biden could still lose, and even though I generally think the two corporate parties consist of sham snake-oil salesmen dancing with their asses out, I just want to preemptively make it clear who Democrats should blame IF Joe Biden snatches defeat from the jaws of victory.
Because they’re going to blame us — those of us who aren’t showering praise and love on surly Joe like he’s Moses here to lead us to the Promised Land where Kinder Bueno grows on trees and Horny Goat Weed-spiked Red Bull Yellow Edition rains from the skies.
So here are the Top 10 People And Things To Blame IF Joe Biden Loses! …against one of the most racist, megalomaniacal, shit-for-brains, man-child rent-a-clown presidents the country has ever seen.
No. 10 — If Joe Biden loses, blame Joe Biden.
Blame Joe Biden for his unwillingness to even head-fake for a second as if he holds even the smallest of progressive values. Biden could send a lightning bolt of enthusiasm into his campaign if he were to announce he’s supporting Medicare for All or The Green New Deal or, hell, if he just said he enjoyed a Susan Sarandon film. Instead we get a guy who says he’d veto Medicare for All, doesn’t support the Green New Deal, doesn’t have a socialist bone in his body, and would sooner run an ultramarathon across Death Valley than even begin to decrease funding to our racist police forces.
Because of that, while millions of Americans say they’ll hold their nose and vote for Biden, the enthusiasm for his candidacy hovers roughly around the enthusiasm for stubbing one’s dick on the corner of a table.
No. 9 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the Democrats in Congress.
Blame the Democrats, especially Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, for not impeaching Donald Trump for anything substantive (which would have the added bonus right now of stopping Trump’s Supreme Court nomination, a pursuit the congressional Dems seem to have lost all interest in). Instead they went through months of impeachment proceedings because Trump held up missiles that were meant for Ukraine. Missiles that even Obama had refused to send.
The House Democrats could’ve impeached the creepy bulbous man — who looks like his otherworldly face paint was sprayed on while he drove by the makeup artist in a golf cart — for enriching himself with the presidency or a David Foster Wallace-length list of war crimes, or the variety of ways he has endangered (and killed) the American people, or for having offspring with the mental capacity of lawn furniture. (Not even high-end lawn furniture. More like the sale bin at Target.) But the Democrats refuse to impeach him for something we can all sink our teeth into because they either support those activities or are complicit. Let’s all take a moment to high-five for war crimes! That’s their hobby and their passion. They list “war crimes” under “likes” on Tinder. They own the T-shirt, and they’ve seen them live in concert 19 times.
No. 8 — If Joe Biden loses, blame Kamala Harris.
She’s not No. 1 on this list for good reason, but she should at least be included in this list. If Biden had picked an actual progressive, someone who genuinely feels empathy for others, then it would’ve gone a long way toward exciting voters. Instead he picked a prosecutor who helped fill California’s prisons (because who else would fight the forest fires?) and loves nothing more than locking up innocent people. I’m half surprised Biden didn’t select the cop who murdered George Floyd as his running mate. They would’ve been like two peas in a pod!
No. 7 — If Biden loses, blame Bill Clinton.
And not just because he destroyed our country late at night, four drinks in, when they were the only two in the White House and the level of consent is a matter of great debate. Also because Clinton and his pals — who go by names like “Two-Finger Tony,” “Kiss-of-Death Kissinger,” and “Hillary” — took the Democratic Party from an organization that had some kind of distant connection to working people, labor unions, and average Americans, and transfigured it into a completely pro-corporate, anti-worker, anti-environment double-chinned neoliberal McMansion death squad infected with an A-to-Z of STDs from their time in bed with Wall Street.
Basically, he turned it into the Republican Party. By doing so, he created room for the GOP to run even further to the right — a political netherworld usually reserved for the beasts in the Star Wars movies (something with poisonous tentacles coming out of its face). The end result: the Democratic Party now has nothing to offer voters — at least nothing different from that of the Republican Party.
No. 6 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the gutting of the United States Postal Service.
Despite what you’ve heard, it’s not just Republicans at fault for this. They had a motley group of accomplices — known as “The Democrats.” Congress voted back in 2006 to saddle the USPS with so much debt it slowly crushed them into a shell of their former selves, like a dying star or Barbara Walters. The immediate result was that the USPS fired tens of thousands of workers. And that bill was voted for by nearly every member of Congress. Not a single Democrat voted against it.
No. 5 — If Joe Biden loses, blame Barack Obama.
Part of the reason we all know Trump still has a chance, despite the polls showing him losing, is the immense power in his grasp. He flaunts a dictator’s toolkit at his tiny fingertips — and that toolkit was given to him by Barack Obama and George W. Bush. Limitless surveillance, limitless search and seizure — not only was that continued under Obama’s administration but Joe Biden bragged about writing the Patriot Act. In front of Congress in 2002 he said, “[Attorney General John Ashcroft] gave me a call when he introduced the Patriot Act. He said, ‘Joe, I’m introducing the Act basically as you wrote it in 1994.’ …Just to set the record straight, almost the same thing that got passed – the Patriot Act – was introduced by me in 1994.”
Well, it’s nice to see someone take pride in their work, isn’t it?
No. 4 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the DNC for rigging the fucking primary election.
Remember that time? Remember the time when Bernie Sanders was waltzing through the primaries like James Bond through a sea of villainous hitmen? And Joe Biden was left for dead — for the second time in his life? (The first one was outside a bar in Juarez, Mexico, on a moonless night after sucking down 13 belly shots of bathtub Tequila off a man named El Cuerpo.)
And just when it seemed like Sanders was going to run the table, his holiness Barack Obama emerged from his golden throne, summoned his chimney sweep Pete Buttigieg and commanded him to drop out of the race or he wouldn’t get a lollipop for a month. (Although they won’t admit it, I think we all know this is what happened.) As previously mentioned, Obama also handed the dictator’s toolkit to Trump and further entrenched the Democrats as a party of Wall Street and war.
But most importantly, by rigging the primaries, the DNC successfully alienated every young person who was turned on by Bernie Sanders’ Democratic Socialist movement. All the energy behind common-sense progress, like joining the industrialized world with free health care and raising the minimum wage and taxing the rich — all that energy was stamped out by the neoliberals like a fire growing across a fine rug. (Nancy Pelosi stamped so hard she sprained both her knees.) People under 30 got to see for themselves that our system is completely manipulated, masterminded and maneuvered by the rich and powerful. Yet, perhaps it’s good they learned that lesson now since they had to learn it sometime.
No. 3 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the mainstream media.
We now know that during the 2016 election, the media gifted Trump with 23 TIMES as much coverage as Bernie Sanders and 10 times as much coverage as Hillary Clinton, and of course that’s not even taking into account third-party candidates, because their coverage is always on par with the amount of mainstream media coverage afforded to the basket weaving techniques of Ancient Mauritania.
Yet again the media floods the airwaves with a never-waning torrent of Donald Trump vapidity and spectacle, some occasional lifeless coverage of Joe Biden, and nary a whisper of anything outside the two corporate parties. And for anybody thinking, “Yeah, but a lot of that Trump coverage is negative,” Trump loves negative coverage. He has the vocabulary of a drunk hedgehog with an ice pick lodged in its frontal lobe, and yet he never stops talking. If he wanted to be respected, he would shut the fuck up. But in his view, he wins as long as you’re talking about him. So right now, he’s winning because I said his name — and I blame you. …A little me — but mostly you.
No. 2 – IF Joe Biden loses, blame his ENTIRE career.
I’ve already mentioned that he bragged about writing the Patriot Act. He also famously forced through the 1994 Crime Bill. But there’s many more less-often touted arrows in his quiver of racist, destructive behavior — such as having proud racists like Strom Thurmond as his besties, repeatedly harassing or screwing over women, being funded throughout his career by credit-card companies and banks, endorsing and furthering U.S. interventionist policies year-after-year-after-year. No matter how many imperial blood-soaked attacks he watched on poor, innocent people, he simply signed up for more horrific wars and coup-plotting, and I’m pretty sure he produced that recent Ghostbusters reboot that made everyone hate America. Have you no shame, Joseph Biden?
No. 1 — IF Joe Biden loses, blame the media, the Democrats & the liberal elite for not covering, talking about, or standing up to Trump’s TRUE crimes.
They have not only allowed his Bernie Madoff-esque level of corruption and con-artistry, they have often tried to push him further to the right. They haven’t stood in the path of his war games or his global destruction. They only blocked him from his few moments of withdrawing troops or signing peace deals. They didn’t stonewall the trillions of dollars Trump handed to Wall Street while average citizens struggled during a pandemic. They all but cheered it on. The mainstream media and the liberal elite don’t have the vocabulary or understanding to fight back against corruption because they are corruption —just like the Republicans. Corruption courses through their bloodstream. They drink, eat and breathe corruption. And their fawning toadies in the corporate media happily report their garbage propaganda rather than genuinely “resist” anything.
So, if Joe Biden loses this election, which he should easily win, don’t let a single liberal try to blame it on the true left, on those of us who actually have a moral core. We are not the problem. We are the solution. Meanwhile — the neoliberals, the McResistance, would rather lose to Donald Trump than even begin to put this country on a path to progress.
If you find this column important, please share it. Lee Camp is the host of the hit comedy news show “Redacted Tonight.” His new book Bullet Points and Punch Lines is available at LeeCampBook.com and his stand-up comedy special can be streamed for free at LeeCampAmerican.com.
The views expressed are solely those of the author and may or may not reflect those of Consortium News.
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Good stuff. Kept a PDF in case they squash it.
Only missing vote-rigging. Do a whole piece on that, if you haven’t already. If the Green Party’s lawsuits had gotten much further after 2016, we might have seen what the Repub govs and sec states did in the swing states. All gone now, just like in 2004.
“… the Democratic Party from an organization that had some kind of distant connection to working people, labor unions, and average Americans, and transfigured it…”
That is nonsense of the highest order, with all due respect.
The Democrat/ic Party always had a very, very intimate connection to working people: it always has been screwing them! To the hilt.
A new global pandemic, making universal health care much more attractive and urgent. Mass layoffs and soon a new depression, making UBI and wealth inequality even more important.
And what does the candidate seemingly tailor-made for such crises, and still easily within distance of getting enough delegates do? Seize on those issues as never before??? Nope–he calls his neoliberal corporatist warmongering pig opponent his good friend, and drops out prematurely.
This is a good list but it leaves out Bernie Sanders. He pussied out or sold out. Millions of poor people gave him what little they could afford, and for what? For him to not fight for them til the end? He suspended his campaign TWO FULL MONTHS before Biden finally got enough delegates. He and Biden and Trump can all eat shit!
Oh and don’t forget. The CIA told Bernie that Russia was trying to boost his candidacy and instead of calling them on their BS he let it slide
The whole Trump administration, from election night to election night, was parodied two generations ago in Herman Wouk’s novel “The Caine Mutiny,” later made into a movie starring Humphrey Boggart. Trump, of course, is the clueless Captain Queeg. The incessant coup-plotting Democrats and the rest of the cast so brilliantly characterised by drama critic Lee Camp, are, of course, the analogues to the deluded traitorous crew so firmly convinced of their righteousness by the Fred McMurray character who represents none other than the American media. They are only introduced to their true, non-heroic, selves at movie’s end by their own attorney who queries at the victory party after the trial their inability or unwillingness to ever give cooperating and working with their captain the slightest chance. It was in the movie and has been in the modern-day real world an exercise in mutual self-destruction. Neither side emerges with the least bit of honor and there is no reason to believe that the new order left in the wake of this crisis will have any chance of success. A pox on both your houses is what Mr. Camp is rightfully expressing. It’s what we get when the great American way of doing business at any level in any arena has always been the scorched earth adversarial system.
Joe Biden will deserve it when he reaps what he and his party have sown during these recent maddening years of continued escalations of tensions and exacerbations of crisis after crisis on the world stage. Joe, you fool, you (and the American people) will get paid back in spades if you deliver on your repeated promises to punish Putin and Russia for their imaginary sins purely concocted by Hillary Clinton for mere advantage in American domestic politics. I don’t care if you live out your term of office or not, Joe, but I hope that America somehow possibly may, though you will make that difficult.
I don’t think we have a “scorched earth adversarial system”. There is class collaboration at the top, though they won’t let it happen at the bottom.
The people in the “Big Club” will collude as necessary to keep the rest of the populous down, but since the days of Julius Caesar the powerful will turn around and stab each other in the back to vie for the position of top dog. America has never been the only society where this is true but it seems to be the most egregious right now. Even we hoi polloi seem to admire the Machiavellian schemes of such high stakes players, they are the main protagonists of history books, novels, movies and television shows. It’s what got Trump’s foot in the door, first in business, later in politics. Certainly the Donald is not “clean,” but neither are the hypocrites who have opposed him from the moment he acquired political power. The bumper sticker on my car reads “None of the Above for President.” Sadly this implies that, by design, no “third party” will any time soon emerge to fairly compete with the Dem and GOPer crooks.
Best pictures of the Clinton’s I’ve seen yet; superbly captures their decadent, essence, like right out of a horror film.
I recommend seeing the live version of Lee’s screed on Rt with the added attraction of Natalie McGill and his other American “foreign agents”, Naomi Karavani, and John F. O’Donnell. He’s more spicy in person.
It is always a relief to read comments on a site like this. I’d encourage anyone that reads here to join Democraticunderground and maybe turn that site around. Right now it is largely populated by crazy cat ladies who happen to vote D.
Posting any of his 10 points would be a fast track to banishment there.
Before you say it, I don’t know why I still go there either, but buzzflash and truthdig are gone.
I used to frequent those blogs back in the BT (Before Trump) Era. But during the presidential campaign of 2016 every Democrat there seemed to come down with massive infections of Russophobia and Trump Derangement Syndrome. Pretty sure patient zero was Hillary Rodham Clinton. The lot of ’em have been totally delusional and dangerous ever since. Some of them go so far as to drop trou and
massage the trout during Zoom conferencing.
You leave out the main and unique reason he would lose: because of the allpowerfull Russian that would subvert American democracy… Democrats hawk, pretty much all of them nowadays, are so much in love with the military complex, and London geopolitic, that one of the only good intention of Trump, trying to establish good relation with Russia, have been demonized to point of falling in the most paranoid conspiracy theories and that for 4 years in a row, to the point of wrecking the life of Michael Flynn and other. All that, also, to cover H Clinton dirty tricks against Sander revealed in email not by russian leak as they want us to believe without proof (unless one consider ‘proof’ the one produce by MI6 Cristopher Steele) but as former NSA William Binney clearly demonstrated, by an insider disgusted with what was going on on the DNC.
Brilliant! From the other side of the world, we could all see that Bernie was your only and last chance at redemption. The fact that his spine fell out of his ass means I fear that you’re headed for something truly terrible before it gets better.
Love your metaphor. Though it could be said that his spine was extracted, not completely voluntarily.
If the spine was extracted rather than voluntary then one can expect a person of conscience and morality to let those people know who have spent so much of their time and energy to support him. Otherwise I have to conclude that this spine extraction event was part of the plan. In other words, sorry to disappoint you, Bernie was the designated sheep dog.
They never did find out who murdered the Kennedys and MLK. They didn’t even try. If something happened to Bernie there would be no repercussions. I think Bernie got reminded of that. Since 1962 the Deep State has had Veto Power.
corrupt trump owned illegal legal system.
It’s nice to see people tell it like it is. What’s even funnier is that reality itself is largely hilarious. As Three Names herself said about the CIA report that Iranians were getting ready in the country to do something nefarious, you can’t make this up. No comedian needed, although I do really appreciate Mr. Camp bringing it all together and organizing it for us.
Thank you, Consortium News, for publishing ideas that the mainstream media refuses to even mention and tries to snuff out. I am not reposting this because this is not what I want to say to my friend’s list, not quite my view, but Lee is so hilarious, and nails all those things we “mustn’t” say. He always makes me laugh. I’m perfectly capable of recognizing sarcasm and wit, which apparently your naysayer, by his own admission, missed. Keep your courage CN, and your commitment to a broad range of ideas. We need you. And we need Lee.
Blame Democrats and middle class class liberals. Middle class liberals ( or “working class,” if one prefers) have maintained their “bold resistance” against getting this issue.
Seems like we are living a new “Terminator’s” saga, where greedy for power and money are the machines and the rest of us are just that, us.
“The Persue of Happiness” had been completely and on purpose sistematicly ingnored by those in in power managed by those with money, lots of money. That article of our constitution was writen just to be applied to them. The saddest thing is that, in the name of God and Liberty the mayority of us are being screw of happiness while Satan is laughing all the way to the bank.
Our only option is to choose between bad and worst in a situation where, in any given moment, worse will turn to bad and bad to worse.
The Force save us.
There won’t be a democracy left to ruin with “centrist” Democrats if Consortium News gets its way. BTW, how are Trump’s three far-right Supreme Court justices working out for you zealots? Happy you stabbed Hillary in the back?
We guess it feels good to have so much power and influence ascribed to us. If only it were true. We have published far more articles critical of Trump than of Biden. Check it out.
yes i am!
Hahahahaha!!! What planet are you on champ???
Still drinking the DNC koolaid?
Excellent article. And the illustrations are wonderful.
American democracy no longer works at all. Maybe it is because of TV, or the contradictions caused by white racism, or maybe the country just got too big. In any case we can’t expect politics to fix it. Our politics is broken.
We face three existential crises which all stem from the capitalist economy. The continuing threat of a nuclear exchange followed by a nuclear winter. The accelerating destruction of the biosphere. The accelerating growth of economic inequality, and the consequent financial instability.
I don’t think the simultaneity of these three things is an accident. I think God is forcing us to change.
The change that is coming will begin with the spiritual. We need to change our values, before we can move to an economic system based on happiness rather than on greed.
I noticed some years ago, that when liberals talk about “economic inequality,” they simply exclude our poverty crisis. True believers in capitalism, they assume that everyone is able to work, and viable jobs are available for all. Now some 25 years into the Democrats’ war on the poor, I assume they’ll blame Russia again…”
Brilliant, should be required reading in every schoolroom and home in America.
Thanks CN and Lee but, I would include Nancy Pelosi and the spineless capitulation of Bernie Sanders as well.
Thanks, Lee. I needed this.
In a different mode than Patrick Lawrence yesterday, you nailed it. It’s both of them and all of them and their backers who don’t include any of us. It’s no longer about the public or which statue gets put in the Oval Office; it’s about Money – to be shared between Them and a dribble that reaches the public. Effectively, they have put a bullet in the head of democracy.
I’m a bit confused about who is the left. I’ve always thought that the left are those who want change. Then they started to be called progressives. Progressives claim to be the ones who want change. But I agree that neither will be be the ones responsible if Joe Biden loses this election. The left and the progressives are mostly supporting Joe Biden.
It’s all about defeating Donald Trump. Yes, that’s important, but what comes after Donald Trump is important,too. And there is an alternative, Howie Hawkins of the Green Party. They say that would be wasting your vote. I say that a strong message to both parties is not wasting your vote. If left/progressives came together to send this message, it might shake them both up. But I guess that left/progressive voters are now choosing pre-Trump status quo.
Each lesser-evil candidate is more evil than the last lesser-evil candidate. We can’t go on like this.
I’m kind of disappointed in Hawkins and the Greens in general.
It seems like every four years they pop up long enough to say that voting for the Lesser of Two Evils will never effect change and that we should send a message that we dissent no matter who the LoTE is this time around – both points I agree with.
But then they basically disappear, no ads, no signs, no CAMPAIGNING that I can see, and I’m right here in NY, Hawkins’ ‘hood.
I’ll be voting for the Greens, since NY is not a Battleground or even a swing state and my “statement” won’t be endangering anything, but if I wasn’t already in a solidly Blue state I wouldn’t feel secure in voting for someone who has put out so little effort with so much at stake.
Personally I don’t like to lose. The Green Party loves to lose as far as I know. In the disastrous election of 16 they did no better than usual, and no one asked why. Maybe we should vote for Socialist Labor Party.
I’ve never commented before on CN, but enjoy almost every article posted as they are thoughtful, objective and well written (apart from Johnstone…). This however is the sort of drivel I expect from almost every other outlet out there. Maybe there is a sarc tag missing or this is an attempt at satire, and I’ve completely got the wrong end of the stick, but seriously, this was neither funny nor thought provoking and is almost devoid of true facts on both sides of the fence. I’m seriously questioning what it is doing here. It’s a no from me…
We doubt there has ever been a publication whose readers like or agree with every single piece it publishes. Different readers interests and tastes are served. Someone who doesn’t like sports, for instance, wouldn’t normally throw away a serious newspaper because it has a sports section. We think a publication should be judged on the whole and we appreciate that you enjoy most of what we do.
Yes the article is satiric has a sarcastic tone (and if you had to wonder about that I have to wonder if you actually read it) but there’s a lot of factual information in it as well and if you can’t see that then I have to question your knowledge of the facts. Frankly, I found it to be hilarious and on point. Nothing is more absurd and deserving of ridicule than the actual facts of our political system, the two major parties and their major protagonists. I suspect that the article hit you where it hurts in terms of your belief system or your admiration for one of the two parties and their major figures (I have a good idea which one of the parties it is).
Lee Camp is a satirist. If you didn’t know before, now you do. So, yes, a sarc tag would be helpful for those unfamiliar with him. He has a weekly podcast on RT America, where he yells his opening monolog. If you’re curious, here’s his latest.
A “Humor” tag was affixed atop the article at the time of publication.
Nah, just blame Putin and Russia! That’ll work.
Yeaaah, but we all know they’ll blame Putin. The US is a basket case.
What “blame?” You mean, “credit?”
Objectively, Biden is worse than Trump; he is just as racist, but wants to start more wars, put more people in prison, ship more jobs out of the country, depress wages more…. yes, “encouraging white supremacists” is a terrible thing, but Biden was funding and arming actual Nazis (not “neo-Nazis,” but REAL Nazis) in Ukraine.
If there is any blame to be placed, here, it must go straight to the feet of Joe Biden himself, who has spent the last 45 years being a terrible human being.
Liberals went nuclear on third party voters and progressives that sat out the last election, claiming they were responsible for ushering in the era of Trump. You know who I never once heard liberals blame?
People who voted for Trump.
We already know who the Democrats will blame for a possible Biden defeat: they will blame Putin!
Whom do we blame if he wins?
Everyone talks about the Dems leaving the working men/women, but the workers left the Dems first. When Johnson got the Civil/Voting right Acts passed, the racist Southern Dems became the racist Southern Reps almost overnight (154 electoral college votes). The Dems could not win another national election without the South, so they went for the big money donors—thus the one party system INMHO. The only time Dems won elections was when the Reps were so dismal. Carter won after Nixon and the Ford pardon. Clinton won after the Reps trashed the economy so badly with trickle down. And Obama won after Bush II. Perhaps Trump has trashed the US so badly, Biden might win, but on the other hand, massive voter suppression may yet bail him out.
Blame all of those things even if Biden wins.
That is what has happened to the things voters care about, the things voters need.
We won’t get them, no matter who wins, and that’s why. It is now “heads I win, tails you lose” for the donor elite against voters.
As was said by a character in some movie I saw long ago: “it ain’t funny but I’m still laughing.”